With His Middle Name being a constant reminder for me, you would think that every day I recognize how blessed I am. I do, but I'm human. I get caught up in the details and every day tasks and sometimes I forget, if even for a moment. But it's days like today I am reminded of all I have been blessed with. A dear friend of mine had her baby six weeks early today due to complications. Both mommy and baby are doing great, but the realization of someone so close to me having a premature baby took me right back to that Fall of 2010. It is still so raw, and I was shocked at how those emotions and memories can come flooding back so quickly. How the smallest thing - a scent, a song, a photo, a friend's new baby - can rub the surface like sandpaper against the grain. It doesn't take much to expose the skin beneath the skin. Even when I look in the mirror, I recognize that I have healed physically. I see my scar, but I feel good; I feel blessed to have my health. But I still feel sadness at the loss of my womb. Is that type of duplicity wrong? I feel I have to allow myself that disappointment, but does feeling that undermine all that I do have?
And then it hits me! Sometimes God's favor isn't fun, plain and simple.
Who knows what would have happened had my placenta not ruptured or Sutton had not been born 14 weeks early? Who knows how I would feel today if I had not had a hysterectomy to remove my battered uterus and that tumor that had caused so much pain? I have to remind myself that being blessed beyond belief doesn't mean that the experience is going to be wrapped up in a pretty bow. It simply means provision. It means that everything, although we may not see it at the time, might just happen for a reason. That at the very least, we are provided for. Even if we don't see it, understand it, or ever learn the why. It's the what that matters. Tonight, as my son sleeps soundly and healthy in his bed, I have much to be thankful for. Brad and I have been blessed beyond measure because that little boy is here, and that's what is most important. I have to remind myself of that when I get lost among the distractions.