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Preemie Parents and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

6/18/2013

9 Comments

 
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I actually remember the first time I felt it. The pain was like no other, the feeling indescribable: like the rushing of warm blood turning cold inside me. The tears, out of nowhere, like hot lava on my cheeks in a non-stop stream. I was in my office at work, when I quietly stood up and closed the door. I actually remember lowering to bended knee trying to catch my breath through uncontrollable sobs. It was only then that everything we had endured – my complicated six month pregnancy, the traumatic birth of our son and the 71 days he spent in the NICU – came thrashing back into the forefront of my mind. Like a petulant child, all the memories and feelings I had suppressed came forward, tempering and demanding my attention. It took fifteen minutes, a Coca-Cola and a chat with my wonderful boss to calm me down to where I could focus back on my work and the tasks at hand. I thought I had finally released all the pain in that one tearful fit, but little did I know it was just the beginning. I didn’t realize it then, but I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a traumatic event, most commonly associated with surviving war but now being recognized in parents of premature infants. Parents of premature children usually suffer from three of the most common symptoms of PTSD: avoidance or numbing, anxiety and flashbacks or nightmares, however, there are broad types of symptoms for PTSD listed below.


Emotional Numbing

  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the event
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Hopelessness regarding the future

Anxiety

  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Anxiousness
  • Being easily startled

Intrusive Memories

  • Reliving the traumatic event
  • Nightmares
  • Flashbacks
PTSD often presents itself after the acute stress of the NICU journey is over, which was very true in my case. My son had been home for almost four months and was healthy and developing well. My husband worked from home and was able to stay with our son while I went back to work, so my mind was at ease knowing our son was in the best care. I had physically healed from my c-section and was so proud of our little miracle baby, often sharing photos and telling stories to anyone who would listen. Things were fine – better than fine because we had our precious son home with us. So why did the pain and the shame hit me so hard when things were going so well? Because the seed had been planted months before and taken root, and now it was just showing it’s colors, blooming in the most problematic way.

In my reading and research, symptoms of PTSD typically start within three to six months after a traumatic event. That timeline made perfect sense to me because those feelings wouldn’t be recognized until they could be processed, which for myself was once my son was out of the NICU and home. Learning that forced me to reflect on possibly where my distress stemmed from, and it didn’t take me long to figure it out. I have often described that time in my life as “the great sleepwalk.” Even to this day it’s a bit hazy because I was on auto-pilot, my actions mechanical in nature until I reached the door of the NICU. Once inside, the ritual of taking off my coat and washing my hands couldn’t happen fast enough. The walk towards my son’s isolette seemed to take ages, the pang in my stomach ever present until I could see my son, so tiny, so fragile but alive. It was only then that I could feel myself “thaw,” my spirit coming back only when I could hold my micro-preemie son and see that he was okay. That conflict inside of me happened everyday, multiple times a day. That type of repetition was a constant rollercoaster of emotions and frightening unknowns. If I had to pin it down, that’s where I would nail my anguish.

Although there is no one study that gives a specific number, it is estimated that anywhere between 60 - 70% of women who have a child in the NICU will experience PTSD. Men also don’t go unscathed - it is estimated that up to 33% of men with a child in the NICU will experience PTSD, although it may affect them differently. Some preemie moms have described feeling panicked by any type of “beeping” noise, as it reminds them of the monitors and the constant sounds of the NICU. Some preemie moms feel panicked by their child having a minor cold or bout of loose stool because it takes them back to when those types of medical events were life-threatening. Others may struggle with feelings of anger towards family members and friends that can have healthy, full-term babies while their child is struggling to survive in the NICU. This only leaves them to feel more shame and guilt, creating a vicious cycle of low self-esteem. If left untreated, over time PTSD sufferers may develop severe anxiety, panic attacks, depression, insomnia, numbness to feelings and anger at others who can have healthy pregnancies. These symptoms can sometimes impair their abilities as parents.

That’s why I wanted to share my experience with PTSD. Although I am in therapy and journal to help with my PTSD, it’s still something I struggle with every day. Just like any other ailment I have my good days and my not so good days, but that’s what makes it a process. I know there is a lesson to be learned here; that’s why I wanted to share what I used to be so ashamed of.  I wanted to offer the followers of His Middle Name these simple words: you are not alone. No matter where you are in your journey, I hope that His Middle Name has helped you heal or at least validated you and your experience. If you believe yourself to be suffering from PTSD, I encourage you to get into individualized or peer to peer therapy. There are also many hospital-based parent support groups and online groups where you can jump in and share your experiences. Believe me, the emotional relief is worth it!

His Middle Name was started with a small hope that sharing my experiences would resonate with another parent, another woman. It is my continued hope that His Middle Name be your personal support network and community. To become more involved with the efforts of His Middle Name and share your story and pictures, please visit the Facebook page here.

9 Comments
Jennifer leebern
6/18/2013 03:23:37 pm

Wow! Thank u for posting this. I, too, had a son at 25 weeks weighing 1 lb 6.5 oz. We were in the NICU for 100 days. He is 8 now and I am so much better but was a total mess for soooo long. I worried about everything all the time which turned into major anxiety issues and panic attacks. Plus for so long I grieved the absence of a normal pregnancy and delivery And was down right angry that my son went thru what he did. Today he is a happy, smart funny little boy. His major impairment is his eye sight and he has mild Cerebal palsy. Thanks to much prayer and support from wonderful family and friends, I've really grown over the years and accepted my sons prematurity as a gift in a way b/c he has taught me so much about life and the kind of person I wan to be. I have since had another son, who is 3 now, and was born right on time and have another one on the way :) :) I pray for all parents going through similar situations and pray they find peace! Thank u again for this wonderful post! Hope your preemie is doing great :)

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Anonymous
10/16/2014 03:15:16 pm

I just want share with the world what some one has actually done for me. I have been down for 5 years with PSTD post traumutic stress. i have done everything necessary, i have run a lot of tests and even became addicted to drugs, until i came across a post of Dr olumba the great spell caster and how he has been helping and curing people of such problem i quickly contacted him in the address the person left behind i got in touch with him and told him all i have been facing.He told me what to do and how to do them and after that he help me cast the spell and that was the end of my PSTD problem today am living fine all because of him. So if are mentally challenge or you have the same problem as mine pstd just get in touch with him okay. here is his contacts Olumbamentalspellhome@gmail.com

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Anonymous
10/17/2014 03:09:35 pm

hello, i just want to say thank you to a great man who has turn my life around, who has made my life so peaceful i have been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder for years (PTSD). I have actually lost hope as i thought there is no cure until i meant Dr Olumba who made me smile again and restore my life.all i did was to follow all he ask and after that he promise he was going to cast the spell which him did and after that all was okay with me just like that i thought it was a dream but today am perfectly okay and living fine. If you are suffering from PSTD or any mental illness just contact him.Olumbamentalspellhome@gmail.com

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Tori
6/19/2013 06:31:29 am

Thank you for this. My first preemie was born in 2007 and as a mental health therapist, I was able to identify the symptoms in myself. It has taken many years and then my second preemie was born in 2012. Due to the research that has been conducted since 2007, I was able to better handle my emotional reactions with my second.

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Carrie link
6/21/2013 03:32:51 am

I, too, had a traumatic birth and was totally surprised to find myself shaky and upset a year later-- even though my daughter had survived and was recovering. After talking with other moms who had children with long-term NICU stays, I can now admit to myself PTSD is an actual disorder and I need to face it. Even 5 years after her birth, it hits me like a ton of bricks at times. Something about the suddenness of the delivery, the physical and emotional pain, having your child be so SICK and be helpless to save them... gosh, it's a lot to face, even subconsciously. Thanks for sharing your story; us NICU mamas need to stick together!

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Nicole @ One Punky Mama link
6/21/2013 09:47:57 am

I wish someone would have told me this after I had my first child, who was a preemie due to preeclampsia. Everyone just assumes you're fine because you're physically fine. My husband couldn't understand why I was a wreck when she was stable and things were "ok" -- this is really really important info. Thank you for sharing.

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Jennifer link
6/23/2013 05:40:18 am

OMG. You totally described the emotional roller coaster of having a preemie, that does not end when you get off!

My daughter was born at 23 weeks last year and is doing great today. I hemorrhaged at 17 weeks for the first of 4 times because of 100% placenta previa. I wrote a memoir called "From Hope To Joy" about my life-threatening pregnancy and my daughter's 4 months in the NICU (with my 3 young sons at home), which will be published this summer. Please see my website:
www.fromhopetojoy.com
and subscribe.
www.twitter.com/jenniferdegl
www.facebook.com/jenniferdegl
Thank you.

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katrina
7/18/2014 09:17:03 am

Thank u after having 4prem babys i thought I be fine having my 5th prem baby but due to a a very traumatic birth I cant bare to be touched, my babies are never out my sight 1min I can be laughing with them the next im in tears, I dread people asking about my daughters birth, im now in process of sueing hospital as almost 2yrs on which I will have no choice but remember every terrifying detail, I still feel the same nd stil suffering from the birth, my doctor s

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Stacey Clemons
2/3/2015 07:38:24 am

My daughter is going to be 11 on April 1st and for many years I made light of our ordeal and often laughed that I was suffering from PTSD. She was born at 30 weeks, 2.5 lbs and spent 2 months in the NICU. You have described my experience so well and I have yet to heal. We are so grateful but yet, we still struggle with the ramifications of a life changing event.

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